No, otherwise I wouldn’t have used GNOME in the past. I stopped using it because it changed too much for me not because its logo is a smelly foot. I also think KDE Khas Kterrible Kbranding but I still use it now that I prefer it to GNOME and got bored with MATE.
It looks like you want SteamOS. I recommend either getting a Steam Deck, wait for the Steam Machine or install it compatible hardware if you have any. No Nvidia GPUs.
SteamOS checks all three requirements for the most part, maybe 3 not so much. But it will be near impossible to fuck it up as it has a read-only filesystem and all apps are installed through flatpak which are sandboxed similar to apps on iOS.
No one will try to sell you anything, not even ads
Better late than never. I hope the momentum continues.